Mother’s Day is this weekend. I have spent so much time thinking about my mother that I haven’t thought much about mother’s day as a mother. I wonder what Mother’s Day would be like to have her here to spend the day with. What would it be like for Emily to have her grandmother here? I recently found a picture of my mother holding me as an infant. It is the only one I have. I didn’t know who she was holding until her best friend told me it was me. At that exact moment I knew I would cherish that picture for ever. My first thought when I saw the picture were that she looked so happy and she is smiling at me. What was she thinking? Then I thought about the first time I saw Emily.
I remember every moment of her birth. I had to have a cesarian section after 12 hours of labor. I was in the operating room, lying on an operating table with my arms out to each side and taped down. The doctor and the resident were operating when she said, “Now you are going to feel some pressure.” I didn’t really feel anything though. The next thing I heard was, “It’s a girl. Time, 5:03am.” I couldn’t see Emily because there was a drape blocking my view. For what seemed like minutes, I laid there, taped to the table, waiting to hear her cry. And then, I heard that beautiful, soft cry that was Emily’s proclamation that she had arrived. I can still remember seeing her all swaddled in a white hospital blanket with pink and blue stripes and a small pink beanie hat. I couldn’t hold her yet because I was still taped down, so her dad placed her soft pudgy cheek against mine. It is as real now as it was then.
As I write this it occurs to me that I do know what my mom was thinking in the picture of her and me. It was probably the same thoughts I had when I looked at Emily as an infant; that she was a beautiful miracle.
Wow! Until now I can’t remember feeling my mother’s love. Being told by someone how much she loved me is not the same as feeling it. Feeling her love is that overwhelming cloak of joy that hugs you; that tear evoking feeling that fills your body until it almost overflows. Wow! I do believe the cardinal that stopped by the other night was a sign. It was a sign to remind me that she is always with me and that a mother’s love is eternal.
Thank you mom for sticking with me and helping me to overcome the obstacles I put in the way to protect myself from the pain of losing you. Thank you mom for instilling your faith in God in me. I haven’t always been a great “church goer” but my faith in God has never waivered. Thank you for my sense of humor. And thank you most of all for nurturing and caring for me all the years you did. It is through that time my character, sense of right and wrong and how to be a good person was learned. You were a great role model. I hope I have made you proud. You helped make me the mom I am today.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the women that have mothered and nurtured me during my search. A search I had to complete on my own. A search for something that ended up being right in my own backyard. It is like Dorothy’s journey to find the great and powerful Oz so she could go back to Kansas. In the end, she had what it took to get home all the time. I too, had to take a journey and grieve and mourn to realize what I thought I would never have was there all along; my mother’s love. I am home now without the envy or anger or emptiness. I am free to celebrate my mother’s life and be thankful for all the gifts she bestowed to me and brother and sister.
There really is no place like home.
Life By Linda 
Beautiful, Linda. I am so sad that you had so many years without your mother because you lost her so young. You had the years that you did, and obviously, your mother’s love it testament to the person you have become. You are a strong, kind and loving woman and you will pass that along to your daughter. There is no better gift to send from generation to generation.
Rebecca, thank you so much for you kind words. I had the most wonderful Mother’s Day. It was the first time (that I can remember) that I was beaming at the thought of celebrating my mother. Posting that picture gave me such great joy. I hope your day was just as wonderful.