I look at this picture and see a proud Puffin. A confident bird facing the world straight on. It is asking, “May I help you?” Well, maybe not. Maybe it is saying, “Can you help me?” Who really knows its thoughts? That is how I feel but no one can see it. I didn’t see until recently; literally only a few hours ago. I had a busy weekend and felt out of place everywhere I went. It was only when I was sitting in my recliner that I realized I wasn’t comfortable anywhere.
I usually only write when circumstances are going well but not tonight. I have been feeling funny lately; out of place, even in my own skin. I was looking through pictures to print late last night and was drawn to this photograph. Maybe it is because I look at this Puffin and see me. A proud person putting her best face forward when she is actually crumbling on the inside.
My desire to retreat from everything is getting stronger. I can feel all the excuses bubbling up of why I can’t participate in the activities I enjoy: exercise, church, life group and scrapbooking. I am tired and can’t bare the thought of having a discussion with someone; I don’t even want talk with myself. That is why I making myself write this. After decades of struggling, I have finally recognized the symptoms without someone else needing to tell me what is wrong. I am depressed. I haven’t felt this way in so long it is a foreign to me.
You would think if I recognize it I could just snap out of it … but its just that that easy. I feel stuck and on one level am OK with it but know that is not OK. I hate just existing and going through the motions. In the past I have said that I never knew how bad I felt until I started to feel better. This time, I know I feel bad because part of me really wants to feel better; happier, have more energy and enjoy living. It is as thought I can see myself as I used to be and want to get back there but there is no map or GPS. It is a path I have to find myself. First step, battle that monster in the morning that tells me to stay in bed and not go to exercise.