I have been reading my past blog entries from 2014 leading up to the anniversary of my Mom’s death. Writing for those 30 days leading up to the anniversary helped so much. It was cathartic. That is why I am writing again.
Three weeks ago I jumped off a cliff and went to CrossFit. I was so scared but in classic Linda fashion, I jumped in and then yelled as I was falling. The landing was fine though; in fact it was like a trampoline. I bounced back and went the next day and the day after that. I took the fourth day off and went back again. I am now on week three (or four, it doesn’t matter). What does matter is that I feel more alive than I have in a very long time.
I find myself looking up the WOD (CrossFit lingo for Workout of the Day) the night before and then googling any moves I haven’t done before in preparation for the next day. I look forward to working out. I don’t find myself making excuses in advance on why I won’t be able to get there. In fact, I build in contingencies so if I can’t make the 5:30am session I have another option. My gym bag is now a regular fixture in my car. (No worries, the clothes are clean).
I can feel myself getting stronger day by day. And the best part is I don’t just mean physically. I feel stronger mentally as well. I truly believe you need to rise each day and choose joy. And not just choose it, but protect it; not let anyone steal your daily joy. I defend it like a mother lion defends her cub. Each day is a new day with new joys, new ups and downs. I can proudly say, in this moment, that depression is something I had. It is not something I have. I know all to well how quickly depression can sneak up and take you by surprise. And that is why choosing joy and exercising are so important. Today was great and who know what tomorrow may bring. What a difference each day makes.
Mother’s day is nearing and I have been thinking about the day and what it has meant to me in the past vs. how I may feel this year. My mourning process is only eight days old, yet, I am light-hearted. I feel more connected to my mother than I ever remember being as an adult. Why?
Since I have consciously, and unconsciously, started to celebrate her life, I have a few more memories. I have spent more time looking at the few pictures of our family, smiling and and being happy. I haven’t dwelled in the past when she wasn’t physically with me. Instead I have tried to keep her memory alive in my head and my heart. (I don’t mean to sound sappy).
Ah ha! Just writing that last sentene made me see another difference. I am keeping her alive in my heart. I am starting to breakthrough the pain and anger and envy by realizing that to keep her alive I need to keep her in my heart. It doesn’t mean I won’t have sadness and miss her, but, I will also experience joy and laughter. Missing her doesn’t you mean I have to feel guilty being happy.
Marianne Williamson, author of, A Return To Love, says we approach life either by fear or by love. If I am feeling anger and envy, I can’t be feeling love. And if I fee anger and envy what do I fear? Until just recently, I was afraid to feel anything but sad when thinking of my mom. If I tried to look at her with love, and did not feel loved back, what would happen? It was easier to be fearful and remain numb. But now I have experienced joy because I am looking at life with love. And I want more of it.
Loving is so much easier than fearing.
Well this blog thing is getting a little easier… just like changing my eating habits and going Paleo. I have been dabbling in eating Paleo for some time now however, it was really just two days ago that I became ready and committed to eating that way. I like to do everything perfect and 100% so this is a big challenge for me. I don’t think it is so much a perfectionist thing for me; it is the competition or challenge to myself that makes me that way. I can be rough on myself and need to learn its OK to not be “perfect” all the time but I don’t want to lose that competitive spirit that keeps me striving for more. It is a balancing act.
So to paleo eating. I had already eliminated grains from my diet before Tuesday, 15 October 2013. I decided to start with that when I had read in several places about the inflammation effects they can have. Well, I am proof that since I have eliminated them, my joints do not ache on a daily basis and that makes it all worth it. I was beginning to believe that after turning 50 that my body was supposed to feel that way because I was “getting older.” Well, I get a little older each day and don’t ache anymore. I have reduced my dairy down to only 1/2 and 1/2 in my coffee. That is going to be a tough change. But the toughest one of all will be … SUGAR. Yes that wonderful, sweet taste found in chocolate; my downfall. With Halloween right around the corner, there are candy dishes all around the office. I can’t get their screaming out of my head when I walk by one. “Just take me. One bite isn’t going to matter.” Well I suppose it wouldn’t but when you walk by 5 dishes in 20 minutes it adds up.
I have already read many suggestions for helping to beat sugar cravings but am open to more.
Have a great weekend. Here is a picture of how beautiful fall in New England is.