Stream of Consciousness

Mother’s day is nearing and I have been thinking about the day and what it has meant to me in the past vs. how I may feel this year. My mourning process is only eight days old, yet, I am light-hearted.  I feel more connected to my mother than I ever remember being as an adult.  Why?

Since I have consciously, and unconsciously, started to celebrate her life, I have a few more memories. I have spent more time looking at the few pictures of our family, smiling and and being happy. I haven’t dwelled in the past when she wasn’t physically with me.  Instead I have tried to keep her memory alive in my head and my heart. (I don’t mean to sound sappy).

Ah ha! Just writing that last sentene made me see another difference.  I am keeping her alive in my heart. I am starting to breakthrough the pain and anger and envy by realizing that to keep her alive I need to keep her in my heart. It doesn’t mean I won’t have sadness and miss her, but, I will also experience joy and laughter.  Missing her doesn’t you mean I have to feel guilty being happy.

Marianne Williamson, author of, A Return To Love, says we approach life either by fear or by love. If I am feeling anger and envy, I can’t be feeling love. And if I fee anger and envy what do I fear?  Until just recently, I was afraid to feel anything but sad when thinking of my mom. If I tried to look at her with love, and did not feel loved back, what would happen? It was easier to be fearful and remain numb. But now I have experienced joy because I am looking at life with love. And I want more of it.

Loving is so much easier than fearing.

 

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